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a week of funny while i enjoy the sunny … kelley’s break room

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Today’s guest poster is all about the funny. She knows it. She shares it. She encourages it. In fact, she seeks it out at her weekly co-hosted “Finding the Funny” link party …

… and the party is raging on now so if you’re looking for more laughs … or want to share your own … I suggest you visit Kelley at Kelley’s Break Room.

Now, before you read today’s post I have a few things to share …

1.  Take a bathroom break. Now.  Go.  And then come back.  Reading this post may cause a few accidents … if you know what I mean.

2.  Do not drink a beverage while reading this post.  Reading this post may cause you to spew said beverage all over your keyboard.

3.  I dare you  … no, I double dare you … not to laugh while reading this post.  Not just a giggle.  But true blue laugh out loud laughing.  Hurt your sides you are laughing so hard laughing …

Take it away Kelley …

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This weekend my husband had to stop by his office, so we all went. The boys wanted to see what his desk looked like and wanted to see some of his current projects. In his office, I found no picture of me. Actually, I take that back. There was one, but it was stuck in his desk drawer and it was five years old. What I did find was this slip of paper from a fortune cookie he received a while ago:

Something wonderful was about to happy.

A massage!

Several former co-workers, my MIL and I met up at a Chinese foot massage place on the other side of town later that day. Before I arrived, I expected that we were going to be sitting in pedicure-type chairs while our feet were ripped a new one.

I was wrong.

After passing through the door with this sign on it below, we were led to a room with reclined chair/beds. It was actually a very, very quiet atmosphere, as you might have gathered…

(I took this picture while the owner and the masseuse were watching me.)

I was happy to remain “silence”.  I was looking forward to this massage. My mother-in-law went with me to meet up with my friends. Remaining silence and having a relaxing hour or so was something I had looked forward to all weekend.

Once I was put in my fully reclined chair and a towel was draped over my eyes, I waited and waited and waited for my Chinese foot massager to appear out of nowhere.  Not being one to disappoint, he dropped out of thin air like a ninja and began his magic.

Magic that made me break out in a silent giggle attack over and over again.  Sometimes he’d feel my body shake with a silent giggle and ask, “You ah-wigh?”

These were some of my thoughts while he was aggressively massaging my…

HEAD
    • Hmmmm.  This is the farthest point away from my feet.

 

  • Thank God I don’t have a soft spot on the top of my head anymore.

 

 

  • How much tip do I leave if I get decapitated?

 

 

  • He’s massaging my ears.  For the love of an Orange Julius, he’s rolling my ear cartilage around and around and around and around and…

 

 

  • He’s still rolling around my ear cartilage.

 

ARMS
    • Ouch, man.

 

  • Dude. Ouch.

 

 

  • Alright, he’s trying to pull my arm off of my body. There must be a black market for arms. How am I going to high-five without arms?

 

 

  • Now he’s twirling my arm around like a wind sock. It’s swirling around and around. With all the energy he’s creating, he could power an entire Lilliputian town. I’d be Gulliverette on the far side of the island creating energy for all of their tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny little lights.

 

 

  • Now he’s pulling both of my arms above my head. This is how it would feel if I were drug somewhere against my will. (Note to self: Quit watching so much “I Survived”.)

 

SHOULDERS
    • This is awesome. All of this for $20?? I swear I’ve been in this massage chair for at least the better part of a week.

 

  • Okey-dokey, dude. I think you just knicked my scapula.
  • Are discounts given if he takes off my scapula?

 

LEGS
    • Homeboy is getting close to my crotch.

 

  • Homeboy is getting awfully close to my crotch.

 

 

  • Homeboy, did you just sort of touch my crotch?

 

 

  • Now Dude is lifting my legs high in the air aaaaaaannnnnnd letting them fall. And letting them fall again onto the chair. Okay, he just did it again. PLOP! And again. PLOP! We’ve got a real Hulk Hoganfootmassager here.

 

 

  • Okay, now dude’s crossing my legs in the air. Now he’s crossing them the other way. Switching back. I’m synchronized swimming alone in a reclined chair.

 

FEET

    • Oh, that feels nice, Mr. Massager Man. Thank you.

 

  • Okay, you’re massaging between my toes now. That’s fine. Just don’t spend too much time doing tha- Whoa there, fella! You’re about to saw of my little toe!

 

 

  • Hee, hee, hee. That kind of tickl- Okay, ouch.

 

With a real abrupt slap to the feet, he lets me know he’s done with the massage. I thank him  in my best Chinese (“Thank you”) and proceed to put on my shoes and get my purse. That’s when he motions to a section of the room behind a black curtain. The lady masseuse in the room nods towards it and smiles.

So, I slowly walk in that direction anticipating finding a private check-out area. Instead, I find a long massage table with the Chinese dude close behind motioning me to lie down face first into that little face hole thingy you find on massage tables.
Huh? Haven’t I already been here close to a year now? Doesn’t this only cost $20? Did I sneeze earlier and it came out sounding like, “I want an upgraded massage package” in Chinese?
So, I got in position face-down on the table, because I couldn’t ask, “What in the heck am I doing behind a dark black curtain all alone with you in this foot massage parlor? And why do you have a pencil thin mustache?” in their language.
Shortly thereafter, these were my thoughts as he massaged my…
BACK
    • I feel like a human pizza crust.

       

 

  • He’s really going after it.

     

 

 

  • Maybe I should move my hands. His groin is getting awfully close to my han- AWWWW!  DANG IT!!! Did his jewels just brush my hands?!?

     

 

 

  • Ew, ew, ew!!!

     

 

 

  • Alright…he’s making his way dowwwwwn my back. Okayheisatmybutt.

     

 

 

  • Heisstillatmybuttquittouchingmybutt.

     

 

 

  • Whew. He’s returned to my back.
  • Nowheisbackatmybutt.
  • Heisreallykneadingthebutt.
  • Alright, he’s massaging my back again. This is good. OH, hold on, brother…my shirt is being moved up and…he just unlatched my bra strap.
  • He unlatched my bra strap.

 

He unlatched my bra strap.

  • He unlatched my bra strap.

     

 

 

  • He knows how to unlatch bra straps really, really fast.
  • This skinny Chinese dude with the pencil-thin mustache is getting way too close to the front. He’s getting close.
  • And he’s returned to the back.

 

 

  • Where are my friends?
  • Where are my friends?
  • Will they hear me if I yell?

 

 

  • Am I about to be assaulted in a Chinese FOOT massage parlor??

     

 

 

  • I’m memorizing Dude’s shoes in case I have to identify him to police.

     

 

 

  • He’s re-attached my bra strap.
  • Hallelujah.

     

 

 

  • Still massaging the back like a madman.

     

 

 

  • The madman is now on the table. Dude is ON the table.

     

 

 

  • Are you standing on my back? It feels like you’re standing on my back.

     

 

 

  • Okay, no…just some really, really vigorous pushing.
  • Thank God. He jumped off the table.
  • He’s scooting around the side of the table.
  • Was that something kind of ballsy that just brushed my hands again? 

 

Then, just like that, he was finished. I got the sign that I was okay to stand up and put my shoes back on. I sort of smiled as I rushed out of the room with my hair all in disarray, sort of like my mother-in-law’s:
I don’t think I have ever been happier to see my friends ever. After paying, I might have exited the facility through the wall instead of the front door in my haste to get far away from Mr. Bra Unfastener.
All in all, though, it was a pretty awesome massage for $20.  As much as you might think otherwise, I would totally go back there again.

Next time I’ll just be sure to bring mace.

And I’ll request a woman.

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Me again.  Was I right?  Right!  RIGHT!  I lost count of how many times I laughed out loud … all I know is my family thinks I’m nuts as I sit hunched over my laptop laughing my head off …
Let’s keep in touch …

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Comments

    • Love you, too, Kirby! I agree that Midwesterners are awesome, but, girrrrrl, I’m from Texas! You probably weren’t talking about me, though. 🙂

      Reply

  2. Totally disregarded your warning to not drink a beverage and had a close call involving coffee and my laptop. She is too. too. much. Sending this to my sister who is always in need of a good chuckle!
    xo Heidi
    PS — and look at Kirby, all commenting at 5:05 AM! Seriously? 😉

    Reply

    • Well, I haven’t gone back…yet. My friend wants to take me to another similar place. I almost want to go back again for the bizarre experience! Thanks for your comment! 🙂

      Reply

  7. I got stuck on the fact I was in the room for a foot massage and ended up with jewels being brushed against me and hands massaging by my crotch! But I’m pretty relaxed now. I probably should smoke a cigarette but I don’t smoke.

    ~Bliss~

    Reply

  13. This is hilarious. For $20??? Seriously?????? I had a similar massage, Thai style, and I was torn between hurting and flying high, but yes, they got on top of my back too and twisted things like they were trying to wring water out of my limbs. Yep, a woman next time, but then you will have the awkward moment of her chest brushing against you. Eewwwww!!!

    Reply

  15. Snort! Dishelved hair and a wonky bra strap..oh my what a massage! It’s like when you go the the hairdressers and you have a boob/pit to the face moment! “Um I just wanted a tint not an antomy lesson” .

    Reply

  18. AHHHHH! that was the BEST! Sadly, I can relate – I’ve had one or two massages like that. Once while in Porto Rico at a well known resort I signed up for a “FREE” massage (hey, I write a frugal decor blog, can’t pass up a FREE massage!) It was out in the open on the properties beach with people lounging around. I came in my full tankini swimsuit (I wish I could say a bikini but not on this 4 children body)and the dreamy Porto Rician masseuse looks at me and said in his best Spanglish, Noah Clothesa. Right there….WHAT??? HOW???? He held up the white massage covering that was on the table as “privacy” and somehow I managed to get off my swimsuit (the tankini swim wear that I had to pull over my head was the worst!)……getting back onto the table was also tricky and I am SURE I flashed all the passerbuyers. Yep, boobies were shown for sure. At the end, I did pay for my wonderful free massage……just not in money…..it was worth it though:-)

    Reply

    • Ha! You had to strip down right then & there?? I would have DIED! The image of you struggling with that tankini top over your head made me laugh!

      Reply

  22. Ok….I have to say first of all…I learned a great deal about myself from this hilarious episode.

    #1: I don’t read directions well

    How do I know this?

    #1: I now have ice tea all over my monitor
    #2: My coworkers are hurriedly searching for a straight jacket
    #3: I am pretty sure I hurt myself laughing

    This was the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read! And I’ve actually experienced something similar in one way…I had gone to a sports masseur for a couple of months and I loved him and one day the damned San Diego Padres scooped him up and when I went in there was a replacement. But the replacement was this little hairy apey looking guy…(not at all like the blonde hair blue eyed buff surfer guy I was used to…and NO…that didn’t have anything to do with why I went twice a week!). So I thought I’d just go with the flow R-I-G-H-T up to the point he actually jumped on top of me on the table. That made it extremely clear to me where my massage boundaries are! But seriously….hilarious!!

    JJ

    Reply

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